Beer Drinking Fools Beer Drinking Fools
BDF Advice!
Ways To Hide Your Drinking In Public
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What's up, ya fuckfaces? Ballantine here with some holiday tips that will keep your Christmas rockin' and your New Years rollin'. Many BDF fans and band members like to reminisce about the good old days in New York City, with rampant crime, sprawling homeless, dirty hookers and lax public drinking laws. Well with the first three making appearances again, why not public consumption? So for your drunken pleasure... |
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Ballantine's Tips for Public Drinking |
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Buy a tacky Starbucks mug, the more glitter the better. People will think "What a twat! Look at that goofy mug!" and feel bad for your taste rather than wonder what's in the mug. Smoke a joint. A big fatty. The cops will bust you for the weed but it'll distract them from the Black Label in your coat pocket. 2-can drinking helmets are always fun, so much fun that it would be against the Good Samaritan laws for a cop to bust you wearing one of these plus a Hawaiian shirt and sandals. That's too much fun to be illegal. Take the 7 train wherever you go. No one will see your 40 on that freak show. Make a photo copy of a Prohibition-era whiskey prescription. Then tell the accusing officer that you have a prescription. If he complains about the date tell him that you haven't been back to the doctors since 1928 because of spiraling healthcare costs. Cry. Cry like a bitch. It works for girls gettin' out of speeding tickets. Hold 5 shots in your mouth and swallow intermittently for desired effect. Just don't laugh. Prosthetic limbs make the perfect concealed flask. Little airline bottles + puffy North Face jacket. 'Nuff said. No one will question Santa Claus, so strap that beer ball to your belly. In the non-Holiday season feign pregnancy. Nobody likes to pick on the retarded kid, even the cops. Find a brightly colored bike helmet, and adorn it with "Rugrats" stickers and puffy-paint spelling your chosen name. Suggested names include "Bobbie", "Butch", "Corky", or amuse your more literate friends with "Algernon." Remember "Canteen Boy" on Saturday Night Live? That shit was funny, man. Dress up like a Boy Scout, with canteen, and do your best Adam Sandler impersonation as you make your way "..to a costume party, Officer!" CAUTION: be careful using this tactic in the West Village as it may draw more serious, non-cop attention. But I know you like that so I'll move on... Take a beer ball onto the subway, stand in the middle and say "Sorry to bother you, ladies and gentleman, but I am a student of David Blaine and this is my mystic talent." Then cut a hole in the top and wear it like a space helmet until you drink all the beer out. Continue to mumble about how the "being locked in the ice thing was bullshit." Many officers are swayed from giving tickets if properly attended to. Even if you are drinking a 40, keep a bottle of Sam Adams on hand to show how much of a classy guy you are. He'll surely accept your posh offering. Try the whiskey patch. It helped Richard Harris get off the booze and look where he is now! |
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